


Into eternity

by Riley_89



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Amnesia, An unhealthy dose of angst, Bullying, Car Accident, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags to be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2020-02-28 04:25:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18748981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riley_89/pseuds/Riley_89
Summary: “Ambulance 3177, Code 3, intersection of Avenue du Maine and Rue Liancourt. We have received numerous distress calls reporting a vehicle vs pedestrian accident at that location.”Or my take on the events leading up to Vendredi, 20:27.





	1. Blueberry muffins & bacon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eliott’s mom makes an appearance.

**Eliott’s POV**

_ Vendredi, 19:06h _

“Eliott, je vais faire des courses. Tu as besoin de quelque chose?” my mom asks quietly as she enters my room, her sad and weary eyes full of concern.

I roll over in bed and pull the blanket closer to my chest. “Thanks mom. I’m fine. I don’t need anything.”

“Honey, I know you don’t feel like it. But you have to eat something,” she says, noticing theuntouched plate of pasta on my drawer.

I should have emptied the food in the trash can when I had the chance. Oh well, too late now.

“Eliott, how about I get those blueberry muffins that you’ve always liked?” mom asks expectantly. 

Putain, has she always been so insistent? This woman obviously doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Blueberry muffins. Yeah, mom, that’s exactly what I need right now. Muffins will definitely cure my depression and soothe my soul. A simple solution to end all troubles, right?

I want to make a snarky and hurtful comment but I can’t, not when she looks so small, standing there leaning against the doorframe, hoping, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah, that would be great, mom. Merci beaucoup.”

Her eyes instantly light up and fill with joy. “Oh, Eliott, see, you’re getting better! We’ll have you up and running in no time!”

Hurray. Can’t wait.

“Oh, Eliott, I completely forgot, Lucille called and I invited her over for dinner. She’s such a lovely girl. Can’t thank her enough for what she did back at the police station —”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I say without meeting her eyes. “We broke up a while ago. I met a guy at school. His name is Lucas. He...he’s not like the others, mom. He’s funny and outgoing, cheerful and kind. His smile could literally light up the entire world.” I take a shuddering breath and continue.

“But he doesn’t love me anymore, mom. Not after everything that’s happened. He’s probably scared of me, probably thinks I’m broken, that I’m incapable of love. Who am I kidding? I don’t deserve love.” I hiccup, as salty tears start running down my cheeks.

“Oh, baby,” my mom rushes over to my side and envelopes me in her warm embrace. “You’re not broken. Being bipolar doesn’t make you less of a person. You’re worthy of love just as everyone on this planet. Lucas will come to you. Just give him time. It’s not everyday that you learn that your boyfriend is bipolar.” She chuckles as she hugs me tightly. “You are the kindest soul I’ve ever known. To love you is a gift. Je t’aime, mon cheri.” She places a gentle kiss on my forehead as she strokes my hair.

“About Lucille, should I tell her that she should visit at another time? I’m sorry for not consulting with you first, dear. I honestly had no idea.”

“No, you’re right, mom. I should thank her for... for how she handled the whole situation.”

“Great, now, dinner will be ready in 15 minutes. Don’t forget to turn off the stove or otherwise we’ll be having burnt chicken for dinner. Think you can do that?”

I nod. Although I don’t really think that in my current state I’d be able to recognize the difference. Food tastes like sandpaper against my tongue and lacks all flavor. I just eat to make my body function. Eat, sleep, repeat. Yeah, that’s about it.

“I believe Lucille should arrive in a couple of minutes,” my mom says as she glances at her watch. “She told me that she wanted to discuss something with you in person before dinner and that she couldn’t do it by phone.”

What did Lucille want to discuss? It was over between us and she knew it. Did it have something to do with Lucas?

“I’ll be back in about an hour. I promised to visit Mrs Auriant on my way back from the store. So you two can chat peacefully while I’m gone. And, oh, dad has several contracts that he needs to go through at work, so he might be late. Eliott, are you listening?”

“Yeah, sure,” I say, although I haven’t heard the last few sentences. What did Lucille want to speak about? 

“Honey, do you want anything else, apart from the muffins?” my mom asks as she heads out for the door.

I consider it for a moment and a smile spreads across my face.

”Mom, we’ve run out of bacon.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour, mecs! This is my first fic and hopefully, it won’t be the last, lol. If you liked the story, please hit the kudos button and leave your comments below. It would really mean the world to me (it would definitely boost up my confidence to continue writing, lol) and I’d love hearing what you guys think!


	2. Toi et Moi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get a glimpse into Eliott’s state of mind, while ‘Toi et Moi’ by Recto Verso is faintly playing in the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty short chapter and I envisioned it being part of a longer narrative. But I just couldn’t resist posting it ))) Stay tuned for the next part!

**Eliott’s POV**

_ Vendredi, 19:16h _

‘[Toi et Moi](https://youtu.be/cKLZJVR4DeA)’ by Recto Verso is faintly playing through my headphones that lay discarded near my pillow.

 _Un petit peu toi et moi._ A little bit of you and a little bit of me, merged and forged together by an invisible force, two stars rushing across galaxies and colliding into a massive supernova, two beating hearts combined in one. A fitting song for us, Lucas, don’t you think?

I pick up my phone and check whether Lucas replied to any of my texts. Nope, nothing, not even an angry emoji. I sigh. The last message I received from him was last Sunday at 16:35h. 

_S’il te plait, arrête de m’envoyer des messages. Je gère pas là._

I didn’t send him any messages after that. Even if I did, Lucas probably blocked my number and won’t be able to receive any of them. I glance at the numerous drawings and bits of paper strewn all over the floor. Pathetic. As if a drawing could fix what had happened.

But I desperately wanted to fix it, mend it, hold it together with duct tape if I had to. To once again kiss those lips, while I held you in my arms. So strong and yet so vulnerable. You trusted me completely and I was the one to let you down.

I never wanted to hurt you, Lucas. That was never my intention. I was just afraid...afraid that you would turn away. Like all the others did before you. As if I were damaged. Hell, I most probably am.

Right now I can’t even make myself do the most simple things. I haven’t showered in three days, my hair’s a mess (looks like a bird nest, not exaggerating) and brushing my teeth already feels like a major accomplishment.

Putain, why can’t I be normal? And not feel trapped inside my own head. Is it too much to ask?

A doorbell rings and pulls me out of the mist of my thoughts. I grab a shirt from the pile of clothes lying near the bed and walk out of my room to open the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and lovely comments!!! Honestly, this has been an incredible experience. Keep those comments coming, lol ) Comments are like food for the soul.


	3. Stars in her eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn a little about Eliott’s past and his relationship with Lucille.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s gonna go dowhill from here, folks.

**Eliott’s POV**

**** _Vendredi, 19:19h_

“Salut, Eliott,” says Lucille as she hugs me. I hug her back as one would hug a friend, or perhaps an acquaintance after a long and exhausting journey. Not the way that you’d embrace a lover, for whom you’d cross the seas and travel a thousand miles in a single heartbeat.

“Hi, Lucille”, I whisper and the words sound oddly distant and hollow, as if spoken by a stranger.

When did I realize that everything was over between us? Was it when I met Lucas? No, it was long before that. Deep inside, I’ve always known that sooner or later, our relationship would come to an end. Lucas was merely a catalyst that enabled us to separate, just at a much faster rate. I guess, we were doomed from the very beginning. ‘[My dear, we're slow dancin' in a burnin' room’](https://youtu.be/IfFi4Q7ueA8), a line from one of John Mayer’s songs that most accurately depicted our relationship.

It was actually one of Lucille’s favorite songs. She’d often play it in her car as we drove through the streets of Paris. Her eyes full of midnight stars, ready to conquer the world. I’ve drowned in those mesmerizing eyes for more times than I care to remember.

That’s what I loved about her. Her ‘ _Fuck them all attitude’_ was what drew me in the first place. A carefree soul riding through the winds of time. I was captivated by her raw energy and vivacious spirit. I was deeply and oh so madly in love.

We had our share of ups and downs, as most couples probably do. But we somehow made it work, we somehow made it stick. Us together against the world. Back then we thought we were invincible.

But gradually things started changing between us. The dynamic shifted, the ground fell from under our feet. The number of ups plummeted and the number of downs started growing at an alarming rate. Lucille became possessive to a point where she started throwing fits whenever I‘d spend too much time with Idriss, Sofianne and their group of friends. As for me, I started going out with others, boys and girls at clubs and other venues, names of which I can’t even remember, just to drive her mad, and somehow prove myself that I could manage without her.

But despite how hard I tried to break free and escape from her suffocating hold, I always ended up in her clutches. Lucille knew me inside and out, knew which buttons to push and make me stay, make me feel guilty for ever thinking of leaving her. To want her, to desperately need her as a lonely traveler stranded in a desert longs for a drop of water under the heat of the scorching sun. I was completely powerless against her charms. She promised me the world and I followed blindly after her. A cat, that is how I envisioned you in my head, Lucille. A sly cat that always got what she wanted.

And then I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. During my first manic episode I apparently broke into a local computer store and managed to smash three PCs and four laptops until the police arrived. I faintly recall telling the police that the computers had secret spyware installed and that it was my duty as a law abiding citizen to destroy it. Long story short, they didn’t believe me. My parents had to pay for the damage that I had caused and I was prescribed with a long list of pills. I guess someone probably had a relative working at the police station because the news of my stint at the computer store soon spread through my school like wildfire.

#bipolarguy, #crazymec

Hey, on the bright side, at least I wasn’t naked.

School was hard. I was now labeled as the ‘crazy dude’, a ticking bomb that could go off at any second. I’ve never been a popular kid at school (I didn’t play football as all the popular jocks did, not with my knee injury anyway) but I managed to get along quite well with everyone, school celebrities, nerds and loners included. I attended drama club, helped those who were struggling with arts class and worked on the Polaris project together with Idriss and Sofianne. I was known as ‘the creative guy’ or ‘that dude who could draw’. I guess I didn’t quite get used to being called ‘the crazy mec’.

It hurt. It hurt so much when people started murmuring things behind my back, snickering in the hallways, casting sideway glances in my direction.

... _Imagine how hard it must be for his parents...._

... _Mecs, yesterday he was staring at me, like in this really creepy way. Totally giving off this serial killer vibe._

... _I’m really not comfortable sitting next to him during class. I mean, what if he decides to smash a computer over my head? How did they let a crazy dude like him study with us in the first place? I’m telling my parents to file a formal complaint. The safety of students should be top priority!_

.... _I_ _don’t know guys, but I’ve always felt that there was something off about him. Call it intuition or whatever..._

Those words pierced through my heart like daggers. But it hurt even more when Idriss and Sofianne started distancing themselves away from me. As if my bipolar disorder was an airborne disease that they could somehow catch.

... _Sorry, Eliott, but I can’t today. I have other plans. Maybe we can hang out some other time?_

... _Um, I can’t right now. I promised Imane to go shopping with her. You know how annoying little sisters can get..._

... _Merde, I completely forgot about it..._

Can a heart bleed? I was so frustrated that I completely abandoned the Polaris project. I tore up all my drawings and cried.

But nothing hurt me more than the way that Lucille had started acting towards me. Careful and reserved. Afraid that I’d drink too much, smoke too much, hell, live too much. Scared that I’d spiral out of control. Out of her control. Being constantly on the lookout for any signs that indicated that I was about to have another meltdown. As if the disorder now defined me and shaped me as a person.

... _Eliott, you can’t smoke weed. You know what the doctor said..._

... _Eliott, you forgot to take your medicine, again!_

I guess I was just tired of being constantly reminded of my flaws, that I was broken, that I needed fixing. You were suffocating me, Lucille. You knew it, I guess we both did.

“Eliott, are you alright? Eliott?”, says Lucille as she shakes me from my daze. I look into her eyes. No more stars, just plain concern.

Shit, I must have disassociated. It sometimes happens during my depressive episodes. What was she saying? This constant fatigue is making it so hard to focus and think straight.

“This time was worse, wasn’t it?” Lucille says and starts biting her lower lip as she often does when she gets nervous.

It takes my brain a while to form a coherent response.

“Well, if by worse you mean running around naked, then I guess it probably was. It’s kinda hard to rate manic episodes on a 1 to 9 scale.” I shrug and make an attempt to somehow lighten up the mood.

“Eliott, you know that’s not what I meant. I can tell that you’ve been hurting,” she pauses as she stumbles to find the exact words to express her thoughts.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated as always!


	4. Burnt chicken and other confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eliott learns the truth.

**Eliott’s POV**

_Vendredi, 19:32h _

“You really love him, don’t you?” Lucille’s voice was quiet, yet somehow her words reverberate inside my skull and slowly permeate my brain. I sit down, afraid that my legs won’t carry my weight any longer.

Love. A four letter word that conveys more meaning than perhaps all the literary and scientific works of mankind combined. Love. Oh, how I feared it. Drawn like a moth to a flame towards Lucille, attracted by her wit and strength, I was completely engulfed by love and its flame burnt me to the core. Nothing left of me except ashes, pale gray flecks scattered along the wind.

Was it love though? Or was it mere attraction that further grew into dependence? Heck, am I even capable of love? 

And yet, I do love Lucas. I love him with all my heart, body, soul and mind, however broken it might be. Even in my dazed state as I ran naked through the streets, screaming Lucas’ name at the top of my lungs, I knew that I loved him. That I had finally found my soulmate. A safe haven, my refuge. A bright light in my eternal darkness.

I nod as I blink away the tears. “I’m sorry, Lucille, I wish it could have been different between us. God knows I’ve tried, Lucille. I really did. But it’s over between us. And there’s no point in denying it.”

I look down at the floor, the thought of looking at her now is unbearable.

“I’m sorry too, Elliot,” says Lucille as she gently cups my face in her hands. I finally muster the courage to look up. Her eyes are glistening with tears.

“I guess I just loved you too much, Eliott. Too much and yet not enough. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me, Eliott. And I guess that I was too afraid of losing you. So scared of letting you go, that I even gave up my scholarship offer to study in the US,” Lucille pauses and runs her hand through my hair.

I still vividly remember the day when I learned that Lucille had declined her scholarship offer. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown back then. So frustrated and angry that I didn’t attend my final exams.

I wanted Lucille to follow her dreams. Wasn’t that what love was all about? Growing and evolving together? But she decided to stay here with me and attend a university in Paris. “We’ll study, together,” she said as she held my hand. “Love is ultimately about sacrifice. I’m doing this because I love you Eliott, I’m doing this for the both of us. We’re meant to be together.” Yes, those were her exact words. Words that were tattooed deep inside my broken brain.

But I never wanted her sacrifice. I wanted her to see the world and meet new people, achieve her goals and excel in her future career. No matter the distance, I promised her that we’d somehow make it work. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. Because...because I loved her. If love was about giving up on your dreams, then really what was the point?

“But it was my choice, Eliott and I never blamed you for it. It was me who decided to stay here with you. Ever since you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I did what I thought was best for you. And I’m sorry if I ever hurt you or made you feel as if you were broken or incomplete. Trust me, that was never my intention. You were the one that made me whole, Eliott. But deep down, I guess I always knew that a day would come when you would not come back to me. That there would be another. And I guess that day finally came when you met Lucas. I hate his name. I hate the way you talk about him, about how he makes you feel. He wasn’t the first but I knew that he was unlike all the others. Even at the beginning when everything was good between us, you weren’t as happy as you were with Lucas. I guess I envied him. I was angry that it was him and not me that you held in your arms. It hurt, Eliott. It hurt so much. Seeing you brighten up and smile whenever he’d be around. It was supposed to be me. He took my place. He stole it from me. But it seems it was never my place to begin with. I lost, Eliott. I lost in the battle of love.” 

Lucille starts crying. I hug her. At this point, I don’t know what else to do.

“But I didn’t want to lose you. I was selfish, Eliott. I thought that if somehow Lucas was made to believe that he didn’t matter to you, then he’d eventually give up and that everything would return back to the way it was, that you and I would be together. I now realize that I’ve made a terrible mistake. I can see that you’re hurting without him. You’ve been ignoring all my calls and texts. Your mom called me and told me how you haven’t been eating or taking your meds. How you’d been crying and calling Lucas’s name in your sleep. No matter how hard I try, it seems that I cannot replace him.”

Lucille’s words drive a knife through my heart.

“Lucille, what did you do?” I whisper and yet I feel as if I already know the answer.

“I told Lucas that he shouldn’t come with me to the police station and that he should leave you alone. I told him that he meant nothing to you. That you didn’t love him, that it was just something that you got into your head. That he was just a fucking temporary whim.”

Waves crash over my head and immerse me completely. How could you do this to me, Lucille? How could you do this to Lucas?!

It’s getting hard to breathe. I try to keep my head above the water, but I feel as if I’m suffocating as I sink slowly to the depths of my own despair. I think I’m going to be sick. I need to get out, I need to leave. Now.

“Eliott, please don’t go. Let me explain. Eliott, please, I love you!” Lucille makes a feeble attempt to grab my hand but I shake it away.

“If you love me, then let me go”, I tell Lucille as I slam the door behind me.

Fuck, I completely forgot to turn off the oven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are food for the soul!


	5. Light and Darkness (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eliott succumbs to darkness...

**Eliott’s POV**

  _Vendredi, 20:27h_

I slam the door behind me and run. Doesn’t matter where. I just know that I must leave and never come back. Need to get away from Lucille, away from home, away from this terrible mess that one calls life.

Tears sting my eyes as I desperately try to blink them away. Blurry images shift and fade out of focus. People, traffic, trees all merge into one chaotic clutter.

My heart thrashes deep inside its cage, threatening to explode in any minute. Any minute now. A sharp throbbing pain blooms just below my ribs. That’s what you get from lying around all day. I clench my teeth and keep on running. One foot after the other.

I don’t know how much time passes but I soon realize that I’m at the Petite Ceinture. Seems like my feet have automatically led me here, my favorite spot in all of Paris. Abandoned and forgotten. That’s how I felt when I first strolled along its rusty railway tracks. When I was first diagnosed and tried to...

My phone vibrates in the pocket of my hoodie.It’s Lucille. Love and hatred bottled up in seven letters.

L-U-C-I-L-L-E.. The name, if I’m not mistaken, is derived from the Latin ‘Lucilla’, which means ‘Light’. And indeed you were my light, Lucille. In times of darkness, it was you who held the blazing torch and guided the way. And for that I am and always will be eternally grateful. But I guess your light burned too bright for me, Lucille. You were the scorching sun and I was Icarus, who was foolish to fly too close to it. As the wax slowly melted off my wings, I plunged into the dark depths of the sea below.

Lucille, how could you? It was over between us. And yet... you tried to mend our broken relationship by destroying what I had with Lucas.

I switch off my phone and angrily toss it to the side.

Lucas. Is it a coincidence that your name is associated with ‘Light’ as well? But unlike Lucille, who burned bright like a supernova, you were a gentle spark that could easily be extinguished. And yet you offered me comfort and peace in ways I’ve never imagined. When I was with you, I’d feel as if I was back in my grandparents’ house, warming my shivering hands near the fireplace on a cold winter’s day. I could be myself and not have to worry about being different. You brought me hope, Lucas. Hope that someone as broken as me could find happiness.

I clench my fists and my fingernails dig into the palms of my hands. I welcome the pain and let it slowly wash over me. Would Lucas believe me? Would he even love me? Now, that he knew that I was bipolar? I hated myself for not telling him. I desperately wanted to, I swear. But I was afraid that he’d see me as something broken beyond repair, as a discarded item lying on a dusty shelf that no one ever wanted. 

_“I don’t want crazy people in my life.”_

Who would, right? My parents certainly didn’t. But alas they didn’t have a choice. My mom cried for days when I was first diagnosed. Her brother, David, was bipolar too. Loony David, that’s what the neighborhood kids used to call him. And I would angrily punch those who did. He was a kind and cheerful man with a captivating smile. But whenever he’d visit us, I’d sense my mother’s shame and ... fear.

_“Eliott, when you are alone in the house and uncle David comes by, do not open the door, ok?”_

My mother was afraid of her own brother, afraid that he’d somehow cause me harm. Uncle David died when I was seven. I later learned that he had committed suicide...

I bite my lip. Is suicide the only way out of this misery? I struggle to take a breath. Last year, I had seriously contemplated about ending my life. I would no longer cause any pain or suffering to those around me. A simple solution to end all problems, right?

I remember sitting here with a razor held tightly in my right hand hovering just above my left wrist. Scared and completely alone in the growing darkness. But something held me back. I went home and told everything to my parents. About the ongoing bullying at my school, my rocky relationship with Lucille, my stupid kiss with Idriss (whom I avoided ever since) and being pansexual.

My parents were accepting. My mother told me then that she still blamed herself for not reaching out to uncle David when he needed her most.

“ _Ever since I was little, Eliott, I was ashamed of having a mentally ill older brother. How stupid of me. One does not feel shame when one breaks a leg or has a fever. Then why should mental illness be any different? If only I had supported him back then... Eliott, if anything were to happen to you, it would break my heart in pieces. Do you understand, Eliott? Please promise me...”_

What followed was a change of schools and well, the rest is written in the pages of history.

It’s getting dark. I wonder what’s the time now? I start looking for my phone. Great. The screen is completely shattered. My mom is probably home by now. She and Lucille are probably texting and calling me this very minute. 

“ _Promise me, Eliott...”_

I start raising to my feet as I hear a soft rattling sound, that particular sound that pills make in a plastic bottle. I reach into the pocket of my jeans and find a full bottle of prescribed medication. I must have shoved it in my jean pocket earlier and completely forgot about it when Lucille arrived.

I spill the contents of the bottle in my hand. How easy it would be to end it all. The frustration, anger, pain would all disappear in a wisp of smoke.

Will they miss me? Will you miss me, Lucas? Will you move on and find another? Will you even notice that I’m gone?

An ugly sob breaks free. I hate myself for being this weak. Lucas, I’m so sorry. I never meant to cause you any pain. Please forgive me.

Lucas. I taste your name on my lips and try to savor it for one last time. I will always love you...

I shudder and close my eyes. Alone in the growing darkness. Running away from it for so many years, I finally accept it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re currently facing difficulties in life and having suicidal thoughts, please know that you don’t have to be alone in the darkness. Please reach out. You don’t have to fight this battle all by yourself. There will always be people who are willing to help. There will always be a light to guide your way. Suicide is not an option. Despite what others or that little voice inside your head might tell you, you matter!!!


	6. Currently unavailable, please leave a message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get a message from Lucille...

_Vendredi, time unknown_

 

La Petite Centure breathes softly like a magical creature from a fairy tale. The wind gently whispers in the trees and the heavy branches sway in a captivating dance. A single leaf breaks from the rest and twirls in the air, pirouettes and finally falls on the ground, still damp from the morning rain. Not far is a discarded phone, its dark screen broken and shattered. It briefly lights up and fades, swallowed by impending darkness... 

                                                        

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, we'll meet Henri, who works as a SMUR (services mobile d’urgences et réanimation) emergency technician.


	7. A day in the life of an EMT (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet Henri, who works as a SMUR (services mobile d’urgences et réanimation) emergency technician.

**Henri's POV**

_Vendredi, 20.38h_

 

 

"Putain," Henri grumbles as he checks his phone. He's had a terrible day at work and all he wants is for his shift to be finally over. And now this. On top of everything. What seemed like a perfect marriage has now crumbled into a nightmare. _Shit, when has everything gone to hell?_

It was a hard month. Since the loss of their newborn, their relationship was never quite the same. Sabine, his beautiful wife, became distant and somewhat cold. The death of their little baby girl seemed to hit her the hardest. He couldn't stand the sullen face of his wife, the quiet sobbing at night, the look of despair etched in her features, the sadness reflected in her caramel eyes...

So he engrossed himself completely in his work as a SMUR emergency technician, navigating the ambulance through the crowded streets of Paris, trying and sometimes failing to help others. His primary responsibility was driving the vehicle (as his small yet efficient SMUR team also had a doctor and a nurse), yet he nevertheless assisted the SMUR team with other tasks and dealt with bystanders.

"You know, Henri, as an EMT, I though you should know by now that texting and driving spell trouble", a deep voice called from the back of the ambulance. It belonged to Paul, a bearded man with bright blue eyes, who had recently transitioned from female to male. Paul was, as much as Henri hated to admit it, a very good doctor. A person who gave hope, a person who actually saved lives.  

"Didn't know that you could spell, Paul. Or was it Pauline?", Henri snapped back. It was stupid and he knew it. He acted like a total jerk. But today's been a particularly hard day. So far he's been kicked and puked on by a drunk driver, reprimanded at the hospital for his tardiness and had yet another fight with Sabine. Everything was just fucking great. Henri desperately hoped that it wouldn't get any worse than this.   

"Will you two cut it out already?!" yelled Amelie from the front seat of the ambulance. "I'm honestly tired of both of you. You're acting like complete idiots."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Paul", grumbles Henri as he takes another swift turn at the intersection. 

"Henri, I've heard," Paul pauses and then continues. "About your little girl. My deepest condolences. How's Sabine doing? How's Etienne?" 

_Fuck, who told him._

"Fine. We're doing completely fine. And, well, uh, thanks," Henri replies. 

"It's - ", but Paul's words are interrupted by a loud announcement on the ambulance radio: 

**_“Ambulance 3177, Code 3, intersection of Avenue du Maine and Rue Liancourt. We have received numerous distress calls reporting a vehicle vs pedestrian accident at that location.”_ **

_Well, here we go again._

Little did Henri know that his day was about to get much worse.         

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I really liked about Skam is how they use social media and weave it into their storytelling. So in this fic I decided to integrate whatsapp to delve a bit further into the characters. Hopefully, you guys like the result )


	8. Heaven and Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lucas is hit by a car...

**Lucas' POV**

_ Vendredi, 20.48h _

 

Blinding pain, that was Lucas felt as his body collided with the vehicle and tumbled to the ground.

As he lay on the cold asphalt, he could hear the sound of sirens and distant voices. Was he floating? He felt detached, almost corporeal, as if he were a feather on the stream of creation.

_“Son, don’t you worry, the ambulance is already on its way. Don’t close your eyes, just stay with us, OK? Everything’s gonna be alright.”_

What was he thinking about just moments before? Surely, it was important. He had been running, but why? Why was he here? It was difficult to concentrate. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t hold on to his thoughts. They were slipping like water through his fingers. I need to remember. But what was it?

_“Shit, there’s so much blood. Honey, don’t look.”_

Lucas slowly opened his eyes. He saw unfamiliar faces, whose features he did not recognize. They looked worried. Someone was frantically talking to someone on the phone. Yelling even. One woman was crying and telling him that she was sorry. But for what? He didn’t quite understand.

_“I am so so sorry. I swear, I didn’t see him. He came out of nowhere, running like crazy.”_

Why were they so agitated? Was it because of him? Lucas groaned and closed his eyes. It hurt so much. Why did it hurt? The pain that he felt moments back returned with full force and engulfed him completely.

_“Maybe, he’s a pickpocket. Probably running away from the police, if you ask me. Got what he deserved.”_

He struggled to breathe. His lungs felt as if they were on fire. Its blue flames licked and burned his ribcage, devouring him from the inside out.

_“Hold on, breathe kid, that’s right. Focus on my voice, just hold on…”_

Lucas tried. He really did. He was stubborn and he knew that he needed to fight, to breathe, even though it felt as if millions of tiny needles pierced through his chest. Deep down, he knew that someone depended on him and that he needed to get to them before it was too late. Too late for what? Who was that someone? Why was it so important?

Lucas closed his eyes and tried to remember. Fleeting images raced through his mind. They didn’t make any sense. Drawings, paint, a boat, a scarf, a bus stop, a cigarette. Pieces of a puzzle, scattered all over the floor. Lucas could not make out the bigger picture. It seemed that all of these images were trying to tell him something. They were all connected by an invisible thread. But what was it?

_“Hey kid, you with me, pal? My name’s Paul. Can you please tell me your name?”_

“Eli...ott” whispered Lucas. Why did the name sound so familiar?

_“Alright, El, we’re gonna get you to a hospital, OK?”_

“Kay,” murmured Lucas and he suddenly cried out in pain. God, why did it hurt so much?

_“Shit, shit, his vitals are dropping. Eliott, stay with me, kid. It’s gonna be alright. We’re gonna patch you up in no time.”_

But Lucas could no longer hear Paul’s deep resonating voice, as he methodically pushed air into his lungs. Lucas felt at peace. He was no longer afraid…


	9. Light and Darkness (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lucas meets someone

**Lucas’ POV**

_Date and time: unknown_

Lucas woke with a gasp. He found himself lying somewhere on a beach. The wind gently played with his hair and crystal clear waves lapped at his bare feet, creating pearly white foam when they touched the shore.

Where was he? And, most importantly, who was he? Why did he have this nagging feeling that he had to find something? Or was it someone? He didn’t really know.

He slowly rose to his feet and looked around. The place was vaguely familiar but he could barely recall it. 

Three figures slowly appeared in the distance: that of a man, a woman and a child. The man and the woman were holding hands and the child was running around between them and laughing.

“Papa, mama, look! I found a seashell!”

A giggle, followed by a delightful shriek. The boy was lifted off the ground and hugged by his mother. 

Lucas shouted and ran towards them. Perhaps, they knew him and knew the reason why he was here. But the closer he got, the further away they seemed. It was like chasing after a long forgotten memory that trickled like water through his fingers.

Lucas was breathless and panting. His heart raced in his chest and he soon stopped running. No matter how hard he tried to reach them, his efforts were futile. Where in the world was he? He clutched at his head and closed his eyes. If only he could remember.

As he opened his eyes, he found himself standing in a small, poorly lit room. Toys and books were scattered all around the floor and a little boy was huddled in a corner, with his small hands pressed over his ears. The door to his room was slightly ajar and Lucas saw a man furiously walk through the hallway, accidentally banging the suitcase against a wooden drawer on the way, sending a porcelain vase flying and breaking into tiny little pieces. 

“Shit! I can’t live like this any longer. Dealing with your constant delusions. You’re mental, you know that? And Lucas, look at him! I saw him kiss a boy on the playground yesterday. Do you think that’s normal behavior for a 5 year old?! It’s all your fucking fault! I’m done, do you hear me? You can raise your boy on your own!”

The boy started crying. Lucas tried to comfort him, but again, the boy didn’t seem to notice his presence. It was as if Lucas was invisible, almost like he didn’t exist...

The boy wiped the tears away from his face, opened the the door and went into the hallway. Lucas followed him and witnessed a heart breaking scene: the boy was on his knees, desperately grabbing at his father’s coat, urging him not to go.

“Papa, please don’t leave. I won’t do that again, I promise. I’m so sorry. Papa, please, don’t leave. Please.”

But deep down Lucas somehow knew that Papa would not come back, no matter how hard the boy cried and pleaded. Like the shattered pieces of the porcelain vase strewn across the floor that could never be whole again.

The hallway soon re-arranged itself. The walls extended and collapsed and Lucas desperately tried to grab at something, anything, but he couldn’t and fell facedown onto a hard floor that strongly smelled of antiseptic. There was no doubt that it was a hospital. 

Lucas rubbed his nose and slowly stood up. These abrupt changes of location were making him dizzy. Why was he here, damn it? 

He looked around. He wasn’t alone. A young boy of around 13 was standing in a corner, biting his nails and looking completely exhausted. The boy had sad blue eyes with an endless ocean that roared within them. Concern was etched all over his features. 

“Lucas?” A man in scrubs approached the boy and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“How is she? Is she gonna be alright? She seemed better, I don’t understand. It never was so bad before. When can I see her?” The boy was visibly shaking. 

“Son, take a deep breath. There, in and out. Your mother’s alright. We’ve managed to calm her down. You did the right thing calling the ambulance. Otherwise, she might have hurt herself or even you”

The boy flinched, as if trying to suppress a memory. 

“Your father is listed as an emergency contact. But we couldn’t reach him. His mobile is switched off. You do have an adult that can look after you while your mother is in the hospital?”

“What do you mean? How long is she gonna stay here?” The boy asked, his voice quivering.

“Lucas, we need to conduct a full psych evaluation. There’s no need to worry. But I need to make sure that you have an adult with you. Is there any other way I can reach your father?”

“No, um, my dad’s away on a business trip in the US. His phone’s switched off ‘cuz he’s probably sleeping. You know, time difference and all, and, um, regarding adults, my aunt will take care of me. There’s definitely no need to call anyone.”

“Alright, I’ll take your word for it. But if I find out that you’re lying, Lucas - “

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll call child services, I know. Really, everything’s fine. My dad’s just way too busy at work. You know, working and stuff.” 

“Lucas, you look tired, you need to sleep. There’s nothing you can do right now. Is your aunt taking you home?”

“Yeah, I just called her. She’ll be here in about half an hour“

“Good, alright then, Lucas, take care”

“Thank you for everything. Au revoir” 

And with that the boy left the hospital. Lucas decided to follow him. It seemed that this boy was important. And Lucas knew deep down that their lives were somehow connected.   


The boy was walking towards the nearest bus station. His aunt probably told him to wait for her there. It started raining. Fat rain drops felt like ice on his skin. Lucas started shivering, so did the boy. But when they arrived at the bus stop, Lucas suddenly realized that there was no aunt, who would come pick the boy up. There was no one waiting for him, he was alone, completely and utterly alone. 

For a brief moment Lucas saw the boy’s eyes well up with tears as he got up on the bus and rode home.


	10. Light and Darkness (Part III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lucas remembers...

**Lucas’ POV**

_Date and time: unknown_

 

It stopped raining. In fact, Lucas was no longer outside, but inside a church? Yes, it definitely was a church. The gentle flickering light of the candles and the organ music were familiar and yet so distant, the memory faded like an old forgotten photograph. He was here before, many times it seemed.

_“Fuck, Paul, we're losing him…”_

And there he saw **the boy**. He kept returning to him, as if they shared some kind of bond. But why? The boy was sitting next to a blond haired woman. Deep down, Lucas felt he knew her. He knew those soft features, her gentle hands that held him when he was a little boy and cried when father left, her gentle eyes that emanated love, the same color as his. His eyes. **The boy** … that was him!

_“Clear…”_

But why was he here? What led him to this place?

_“Come on kiddo, don't give up on me…”_

“On God rests my salvation and glory. My refuge is in God. What the bible tells us in this passage, is that each believer can find peace and comfort in his faith. ” The voice of the priest echoed along the dimly lit halls. And then Lucas remembered. Memories crashed like waves above his head and engulfed him completely.

_Remember me, remember me_

Eliott. The name crisp and fresh as the morning sun. When Lucas first saw him enter the common room, in his brown jacket and backpack on one shoulder, he felt a strange sensation. A tingle somewhere deep inside his stomach. An attraction that he never felt before. Dear Lord, he was beautiful.

_Remember me under the sun_

A smile that could light up a thousand suns. Piercing eyes that seemed to melt all the walls that Lucas had meticulously built for all these years. He was slowly falling in love…

_Remember me, remember me_

A song by Riopy that Lucas played just for Eliott. He took piano lessons quite a while ago, when his mother still worked and they could afford them. Lucas was afraid that his skills would be somewhat rusty. They didn’t have a piano at home and he rarely practiced. But the moment his fingers touched the keys, music poured right from his heart. A bold confession right there and then. The song was called ‘I Love you’.

_Remember me under the sun_

A drawing of a small hedgehog that he safely kept tucked inside his wallet. A raccoon and a hedgehog, an unlikely pair, two lonely souls, particles of a single star, rushing forward to each other across every universe and dimension.

_Remember me, remember me_

Paint splattered all across their bodies. Ragged breathing and deep kisses. Cheap champagne and smoked ham. Slow and shallow thrusts, tenderness and sweetness, moans and gentle whispers. Pain and pleasure mixed in one.

_Remember me under the sun._

Lucas ran as fast as his feet could carry him. He had to get to Eliott before it was too late.   

_“We have a pulse…”_

 


End file.
